portalanddragonage:

leonoriel:

storybookhawke:

I’m still down for Garrett Hawke jokes in the style of Chuck Norris jokes

• When a Blight begins, Garrett Hawke doesn’t try to survive. The darkspawn do.
• Underneath Garrett Hawke’s beard is another beard, and underneath that beard is a fist.
• Garrett Hawke once got bit by a poisonous spider… After three days of pain and agony… the poisonous spider died.
• Garrett Hawke caught the Blight and made it sick.
• Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Garrett Hawke is called Logic.
• Garrett Hawke is so powerful he can put out a fire with a fire spell.

In Dragon Age 3, Garrett Hawke was going to be the Inquisitor, that’s why Cassandra was looking for him. That idea was scrapped shortly after because no one wanted to play a game 14 seconds long.

When Garrett Hawke was born, the only person that cried was the healer. No one slaps Garrett Hawke.

During the Fifth Blight, Garrett Hawke was supposed to remain in Ferelden, but the mages feared he’d split the world in half so they called the wardens.

Garrett Hawke once shot down a dragon by pointing at it and saying “Boom”.

When Garrett Hawke trims his beard, he throws the hairs into the sky. That’s how dragons are born.

• There used to be a street named after

  Garrett Hawke

  , but it was changed because nobody crosses Garrett Hawke

  and lives.

• When

  Fen’Harel demands the annihilation of an enemy he says “May

  Garrett Hawke take you”.

• Garrett Hawke

  doesn’t have fights, because a fight implies that the other guy can win.

• Garrett Hawke

  doesn’t break the law, he is the law.

• The Maker lives in the Golden City because Garrett Hawke allows him to do it.

• Garrett Hawke can sting bees.

• If you have five sovereigns and

  Garrett Hawke

  has five sovereigns,

  Garrett Hawke has more money than you.

• Garrett Hawke’s tears cure the

  Blight. Too bad he has never cried.

• Demons don’t possess Garrett Hawke, Garrett Hawke possesses demons.

• Garrett Hawke puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.

• Sticks and Stones may break your bones, but so will Garrett Hawke.
• The only thing Garrett Hawke can’t do is lose weight because he never loses.
• Garrett Hawke is always on top during sex because he never fucks up.
• How many push-ups did Garrett Hawke do? All of them.
• Even Garrett Hawke’s chest hair has chest hair.
• Garrett Hawke isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Garrett Hawke.
• Garrett Hawke isn’t stuck in the Fade, the Fade is stuck with Garrett Hawke.
• Garrett Hawke died… but he’s already feeling a lot better.